Redefining Women’s Wellness with Dr. Jess 

What are the biggest misconceptions you encounter about women’s sexual health and pleasure?

One of the biggest misconceptions is that sexual health and pleasure are frivolous or optional — as if they’re separate from overall health. But sexual health can be a fundamental component of physical, relational and emotional well-being. Pleasure, too, is often dismissed as indulgent, even though it’s deeply connected to stress relief, connection, and self-discovery. This isn’t to say that you must desire and engage in sexual activity as a part of overall wellness, but simply that understanding and embracing your own sexual health and pleasure (however you define it) can enhance overall well-being. Another misconception involves sex and aging. Many believe that sexual desire and pleasure inevitably decline as you age, but this isn’t universally true. While life stages and hormonal changes can affect desire, many women report more fulfilling sexual experiences later in life, particularly as confidence and relational fulfilment increase. From a physical standpoint, the myth of penetration representing (or leading to) the pinnacle of pleasure is now being debunked. We can experience pleasure from a range of activities beyond penetration including external (clitoral) stimulation, full-body exploration and fantasy (utilizing our most powerful sex organ, the brain). 

Why is it important to prioritize sexual wellness as part of overall health?

Prioritizing sexual wellness (and pleasure) is a personal choice. You don’t have to make sex (especially one type of sex**) a priority, but you’ll likely benefit from exploring your sexual values and considering how sexual pleasure can play a role in your overall wellness. 

**Sex means different things to different people, so it might be worth considering:
a. How you define sex
b. How pleasure, more generally, intersects with wellness 

Sexual pleasure is associated with reduced stress, higher immune function, improved sleep, and increased feelings of connection. Whether sex is a priority for you or not, exploring your sexual values and preferences can help you understand how pleasure, in all its forms, supports your physical and mental health. It’s also important to recognize that “sex” can mean different things to different people. Exploring how you define sex and how pleasure intersects with wellness can lead to greater self-awareness and satisfaction.

You may want to begin by reflecting on your own sexual values:
Why is sex important to you? 
What elements of sex are important to you? Consider the emotional, relational, physical and (if relevant) spiritual.

What advice do you have for women experiencing changes in their libido due to life stages or stress?

Give yourself grace first. Please. Go easy on yourself and don’t feel pressure to bounce back or meet arbitrary standards. Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure and you’re not broken if you don’t experience desire. In fact, you can experience pleasure (of all kinds) even in the absence of spontaneous desire. We often expect desire to occur without prompting, but for many people desire is responsive and needs to be cultivated. If you wait until you’re spontaneously in the mood for sex, it may never happen. But if you consider ways to get yourself in the mood, you may find that the pressure dissipates as the pleasure heightens.

You don’t have to increase sexual desire, but if you want to, consider the Fire and Ice list as a tool to start reflecting and communicating if you have a partner. In the Fire column, write down everything that might fuel your desire for sex including the practical, physical, emotional, relational, mental and sensory. Do the same for the Ice column considering factors that detract from desire. This can help you to identify what changes you can make to fuel your fire items and melt your ice factors. And you can share your list with a partner; they may not realize how practical elements like managing the mental load for the household detract from desire and pleasure. 

How can women empower themselves to explore their sexual identity or preferences?

Underscored by curiosity and self-compassion, sexual empowerment often begins outside of the bedroom — and it’s a highly personal journey. It may involve learning to speak up and ask for what we want in lower pressure environments from the boardroom to the living room. Or it may involve slowing down and practicing mindfulness at the dining room table or at the gym. 

Education is also an important component, as most of us didn’t grow up learning about our bodies and much of the education we received rendered pleasure invisible or offered gendered scripts that simply aren’t realistic. Unpacking and working through sexual shame — especially as it intersects with layers of our identities — is also an important and ongoing process for many. This may involve self-reflection and vulnerable conversations with friends and partners to normalize the wide range of sexual experiences, desires, fantasies and hangups. There is no right way to embrace sexual pleasure and sharing in safe relationships can be enlightening, validating and intimate. 

Self-exploration may also play a role. You may consider mindful masturbation, sensual movement or simply self-pleasure for pleasure’s sake. One key is allowing yourself to respond and embrace experiences without judgment. You don’t have to be perfect and you’re not missing out if you don’t do it all. Sex is intended to be an experience and not a performance (unless you want it to be, which is a different conversation altogether), so allow yourself to be in the moment without pressure to achieve a specific outcome. Pleasure can be about the journey, not the destination.